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'No Refunds' Necessary With Comedian Doug Stanhope

By Jessamyn Cuneo on August 31, 2007

Doug Stanhope, pictures, picture, photos, photo, pics, pic, images, image, stand-up, comedy, comedian, jokes, No Refunds, interviewsWhile there isn't anything funny about the state of this country, perhaps a funny man could turn it all around. Meet Doug Stanhope, a stand-up comedian who at one time planned on running in the next presidential election. And no, he didn't get the idea from that corny movie starring Robin Williams.

"I've been talking about running for presidency since before the '04 election," says Stanhope. "I want to change the world, and I don't want to do it by standing outside a Safeway with a petition so you can smoke in bars."

One thing's for sure: We're all looking for big changes around these parts. Dried-up politicians haven't been looking out for anyone's interests while holding the big seats. Maybe it is time for a compassionate and well-lived man to take the reigns.

"I'm for leaving people the f*#k alone," Stanhope says. "I'm for a lot of things. I'd start signing pardons by the thousands, by the millions. I'd end the drug war and pardon all non-violent drug offenders, as well as a whole s#*tload of other people on a case-by-case basis."

The troubling thing about this platform is that it seems to usually take a bunch of false promises to get citizens to vote for you. Sincere notions tend to get dismissed, especially if they pertain to freeing convicts — or freeing drugs. And Stanhope certainly has a lot to say about that subject as well.

"I'm for the legalization of all drugs," he declares. "Do you think that you own your own body?"

(If you're not nodding right now, you're probably not going to like what he has to say next.)

"Then why should you not be able to do whatever you like with it?" he continues. "You can tattoo it, pull a living vagrant that's squatting in your uterus out of it, or throw trans fat down your throat, so why draw the line at drugs?"

Many of you may be thinking about the difference between trans fat and speedballs. It's a pretty big difference. However, Stanhope is well prepared to argue his controversial point until it suddenly, strangely makes more sense.

"Out of all the people you know that drink on any level — socially or otherwise — a couple of people are going to turn into rummies, but the general public can do that sh*t," he explains. "The same is true with most narcotics. They just don't show you the ones who can handle themselves; they just show the ones who fall to the gutter. Those are the ones who sell better fear."

Right about now is the time to explain where Stanhope is coming from. He grew up in Worchester, Massachusetts. For those of you who don't know, it's pronounced "wuss-ter" and there's absolutely nothing to be found in the city that isn't shady and downright depressing.

"I lived in Worchester until I was 18 and old enough to leave," Stanhope says. "I don't see how everyone [from there] didn't. The people are so dreadful. I was glad when my dad died, because I never had to go back there."